A while back I mentioned on my Facebook page that I am helping to home school a young boy who has been our neighbor for a few years and whose father has left his family for another woman. He is twelve years old, he is starting to change into an adolescent, and has a lot of inner rage that his father is not around for him.
I have a lot of empathy for him--I’ve been in exactly the same place. Even though you love your mother, a boy needs the direction and approval of a father. It does not have to be the sperm donor, but it needs to be a man who understands the unique situations that confront boys growing into manhood.
We had a short discussion on nocturnal emissions last month, which he has already experienced without knowing what happened, and later we had another discussion on masturbation. We’ll be getting into relationships with girls pretty soon, I think. He hasn’t expressed real interest that way yet, although every time he gets around girls his age he goes nuts trying to impress them. I did establish that he is familiar with male and female internal physical anatomy, anyway.
Several months ago when he was demonstrating his ability to jump ramps with his BMX bike, I showed him how to ride a bike backwards. This week he demonstrated that he can not only ride backwards, he can do it without hands! I gave him a lot of verbal approval, even though it is a completely useless skill--the only value is the knowledge that if you work hard enough and long enough you can do anything you want to do.
The school work is the easy part. I found the state of Nevada has a program just for homeschooling called K12 that involves the computer, a pile of books and a teacher, with interaction between the students and teachers online. The state now requires the public schools to allow kids access to some activities, such as athletics, so last week I got to take him to Little League baseball tryouts. He runs fast, throws and catches well, but we need to work on his batting skills. I was a pitcher in high school, so maybe I can help here.
The more difficult part is teaching values and ethics. Most people learn what is right and wrong at an early age. The hard part is understanding why you should do the right thing, and then learning how to do it no matter who is watching, or even better, to do it when no one is watching and you know you won’t be caught.
Sunday, after he had been on my computer for a couple of hours, his mother came over to visit. He met her in the front room, and when she asked if he had been on the computer, he said, “No.” Carolyn and I knew better, but we kept silent. His mother repeated the question, “Are you sure you weren’t on the computer?” and he repeated the lie, “No, I wasn’t.”
He was aware, I’m sure, that we knew better, but was hoping we would not rat him out to Mom. If we had there would have been a big scene, he would have been even more mad at the world, and we would have lost all ability to communicate with him, leaving him even more isolated from the people around him. His mother told us the rule is No Computer on Sunday.
So today when he came back to our house to do his school work on the computer, I told him we needed to talk. We sat down and I explained how disappointed Carolyn and I were when we heard him lie to his mother about the computer. I said he might have thought he got by with it, but he really didn’t, because now he had two neighbors and friends who knew he could not be trusted to tell the truth, even to his own mother.
I explained that even when you get by with telling one person a lie, everybody else learns you can’t be trusted, and that’s a lousy reputation to have. The word will eventually get out that, “You can’t believe a word he says!” I let him know the only way to get a good reputation back is to be seen telling the truth even when you know it’s going to get you in trouble. Being honest is not always easy, sometimes it’s really hard, but it is always the best plan because sometimes it will be very important to have people believe and trust you.
I told him I wasn’t going to punish him in any way, because I didn’t want him to remember the punishment, but to remember how important it is to tell the truth. I also let him know we would be rooting for him as he works on getting that reputation for honesty.
He solemnly listened and took it all in, promising to work on it. He really does have a well developed conscience, he just needs some training on listening to it.
In the end, he is the only one who can make himself do the right thing every time, not because he knows someone is watching, or that he fears punishment, but only because he takes pride in being himself, and not wanting to disappoint himself.
Only time will tell, but I have a lot of hope for this boy. He is bright and enthusiastic, and if we can teach him to know and respect himself, he will make us all proud.
Oh, Mom, if you read this, just remember that what happens at the Rogers’ house stays at the Rogers’ house. Thanks. But if you should happen to catch him telling the truth when it hurts, show your pride and give him a hug. No matter what he says, he really does like it.
Don Rogers March 13, 2012
