It's been a Great Month

It’s been a great month! We celebrated our 49th wedding anniversary on the 15th, and it was by far the best in our lifetime so far. Our usual celebration was a nice meal at a good restaurant with some flowers and a card. The whole place turned out in the lobby for stories, with a short bio of our years together orated by Leon Veazey, the Chaplain for Guardian Hospice. 

We have become good friends because of our mutual interest in early Christian theology and history. We also share a love of music, with him playing the piano to lead the residents in hymns a couple of times a week. The ladies asked if I would play for their singing, and I had to beg off, because I need a bunch of practice before I try to play along with singers.

I have been trying to practice on the piano out in the lobby when everybody is at lunch. I have played organ for forty years, and the transition back to piano is taking some time. If it is a simple song I can barely play the four parts from the hymnal, but if it gets more complicated I have to revert to chording as I played it on the organ. That sounds awful unless I break the chords up in some fashion, which I am slowly learning to do. 

Today when no one was around I started practicing in the afternoon, and after I had finished one of the songs, I heard clapping. I looked up to see eight or ten ladies sitting on the couches appreciating my playing. I must be getting better, I guess. I like my fan base!

My song books are old ones from when I first bought an organ back in 1968, and are taped together from years of use. The songs were old standards back then, so they are really old now. We’re talking songs like “Cocktails for Two”, “Buttons and Bows”, “Cool Water”, “Fascination”, and such. Today I attempted “Satin Doll” and it didn’t sound too bad. I am finding that because I no longer work as a mechanic, my fingers are more flexible, and I can do trills and glisses I couldn’t force my fingers to do before. 

On another subject, I am feeling a little ashamed after taking my Mazda3 in for its 90K mile service. It was a major bunch of work, and I requested new plugs and injector cleaning because the throttle was feeling “notchy” and not smoothly linear. When I drove out, the acceleration was instantaneous and smooth. It felt like a new car! 

But what really jumped out at me was how quick and tight the steering was again. I vaguely remember getting used to the quick steering on this car after trading in my old Saturn with 300K miles. When I got home I got the maintenance record out, and found one item on the list was tightening bolts under the car. 

The exact bolts weren’t named, but I knew with a chill they had to be bolts on the rack and pinion steering. They loosened gradually over time, so you don’t really notice the slight play and looseness in the steering, but I remember driving through a shallow culvert on a city street and feeling a little twitch as the car did a tiny S turn as I drove across - a little sashay - and I wondered if that was part of the active suspension that Mazda is so proud of. No, it wasn’t. I got it in for a fix just in time.

Sometimes lucky is better than good sense, I guess. If the rack and pinion mounts had come completely loose, I would have lost all steering and been along for the ride. I have got to go back and get the details on how close I came.

Darlene, our daughter, is settling into her new apartment by the university, and somedays walks the mile and a half over to Featherstone to visit us and help me take care of Carolyn. 

Carolyn is kind of on a plateau - her pelvis has completely healed, but she cannot stand alone. With my help she can stand and walk, but her balance is off and doesn’t seem to be coming back. She leans back instead of forward when she walks, and if I didn’t have a good hold she would just sit down on the floor. But she enjoys trying and we walk a few minutes every day.

Today after we got Carolyn put to bed, Darlene offered to buy some KFC, so we stopped in a got a bucket of chicken. I called Joe to make sure he wanted some, too. We all got together in the old dining room, dragged an old table over to the center, and scrounged up some old rickety chairs I think may have been passed down through the generations from the Tuckers or Burnetts. We will have to do this more often! It was fun sitting around telling old family tales and jokes. Our family has lots of them!

Also this evening Guardian Hospice presented me with a gorgeous photo

of Carolyn and I taken at the anniversary party, and a photo album of pictures taken at the party. I feel so honored and humbled and grateful!

It’s been a great month!

Successful Marriage

How to Have a Successful Marriage

or what worked for Don & Carolyn Rogers

Essay requested by a young lady who attended our 49th anniversary party at Featherstone Assisted Living Home.

Choosing a Partner

This seems obvious, but so many people think it just happens. Something happens, for sure, but it won’t last long if it’s just physical chemistry. Attraction is necessary, of course, but it must go deeper than just good looks.

You need to know yourself and what you want and need out of a marriage. If you want a fantastic sex life, you must know what works for you. My personal opinion is that virginity is vastly overrated, and marrying with out having any sexual experience is likely to be a startling revelation for both people. There is a lot more to it than what the farmer’s kid saw in the barnyard. As the old song says, “Shop around, and don’t pick the very first one.”

If you want financial security, you need to know what will be the bottom line for a partner. My first girlfriend insisted that I go get a college degree before she would marry me. When I ran out of money for college, another lovely woman wanted me without a degree. She became my wife, and we have lived well on a machinist’s wages. 

If you want adventure, how extreme are you willing to go? We both wanted to travel and experience life - not just sit at home and watch TV. But we both agreed that danger and fear was not what we were looking for. Sky diving, kayaking through rapids and water falls, and other risky behaviors were not for us. We agreed on other activities that were exciting, but safer, such as airplanes and motorcycles and mountain hiking. What you choose is not as important as both partners wanting the same things.   

Commitment is not Optional

Masters & Johnson and other researchers all agree that monogamy is most likely to lead to a long happy marriage. A few other arrangements have worked, but are much rarer. We were once invited to swap partners with a couple who had an open marriage, but we declined. They seemed to be committed to staying together (maybe for their two kids) but neither seemed to be satisfied with just the one other partner. It seemed a bit sad to me. I’m not judging - I hope they are still happy together - but it did not attract us, or make us think we were missing out on something. I rather felt that their marriage was missing the deep and total love that we had for each other.

In a certain way, this is related to choosing the right partner. If you choose a Bill Clinton or a Donald Trump, whose values don’t include faithfulness to just one partner, you can’t expect to have an exclusive relationship for long.  

Sharing the Fun - Togetherness

Any couple expecting to live their lives together need to have common interests. For me and my wife it was square dancing. It could be anything: gardening, fishing, camping, or music. Something that both people can share together in their spare time and vacations will keep them going in the same direction. If both have only separate interests, eventually their lives will grow apart in separate directions.  

Marriage First - Kids Second

   Too many parents make the mistake of favoring their children over their lover. Children are self centered, and will do things that tear their parents apart without even being aware of what they are doing. 

Rather than cater to the children, couples need to remember to be a loving couple first, and never let the kids get between you. You are modeling for the children how a loving marriage should work, and in the process, your children will see and understand that the parent’s love for each other is essential to a happy marriage. 

Children will also understand that if the parents are fighting each other and are not happy, the secure home they enjoy is at risk. 

Sex and Satisfaction

Some of this advice may be dated, since when my wife and I started our marriage together, there was no internet, online pornography. or easily obtainable information on sexual practices and skills. 

There is nothing wrong with studying to see the various ways to sexually satisfy your partner. That is more important than satisfying your own needs. Different people have different needs and speeds, and learning what works for your partner is essential for long term lovers. 

My wife and I read a lot of books, and we subscribed to Playboy magazine for about thirty years. It’s a joke, but there really were a lot of good educational articles with the pictures. My wife always renewed my subscription if I forgot.

Staying Young while Getting Old

As we got older, we slowed down some, and sex was no longer an everyday thing. The urgency and drive mellowed out, and that was not necessarily a bad thing. Loving became less frantic and more leisurely. 

As a friend of mine said at his retirement party years ago, when asked how his sex life was, “I used to go all night, and now it takes all night, but it’s just as much fun!”

I see ads for testosterone products to make you younger and more virile, and I see ads for little blue pills to make guys penis’ grow bigger, but at seventy four, I haven’t needed any of that stuff yet. I’m assuming that staying active and getting good nutrition has something to do with that.. 

Probably not having ever smoked helps, too. They call them “coffin nails” but I think they are even more “erection spikes.” Tobacco use directly shrinks blood vessels, not only causing heart problems, but erectile disfunction. Everyone I know who needs Viagra has been a life long smoker.

Honesty

Above all else, we agreed to never keep secrets from each other. Sometimes people make mistakes. Some times, in a moment of weakness they do things they regret. But trying to hide it will only make it bigger and worse in the end. 

Honesty can hurt, and hurt badly, but like any other wound, it is essential to open and clean the injury before it can start to heal. The truth will always out, and in the meantime, it is infecting the whole relationship. 

I confess to not knowing how to flirt, and not understanding why someone would want to intentionally want their lover to feel jealous. I want my partner to feel loved and valued above all others. I never did anything that would make my lover wonder where I was or what I was doing. 

For some guys, that would be sure evidence that I was “pussy whipped.” I might have to plead guilty, but I have yet to find a down side. I was always amused when I found I was the husband other husbands loved to hate. It’s OK, I didn’t want their love anyway. I only wanted the love of my wife.

Here’s hoping you find as much joy and love as we have.

   

Short bio - 3rd person

Short bio - Don & Carolyn Rogers

Don first met Carolyn when he went to visit her uncle in Southern California. He and Don had studied engineering in college together, and Carolyn and her husband were staying with them after leaving Oklahoma. Don was drafted into the Army in 1965 and was on his way overseas.

When Don returned from Army duty on Okinawa in 1967, he  moved to Southern California to find work as a machinist and renew his friendship with her uncle and aunt, Don & Laverna Satterfield. 

In 1968, Carolyn had left her husband and was living with her aunt and uncle with her daughter, Darlene, that summer. Later she tried to reconcile, but after a few months, they broke up again and he moved back to Oklahoma. Carolyn called Don up and told him the news, and they started dating. 

In November they committed to living and loving together the rest of their lives, and in March of 1969, they were married in the house of a retired judge in the City of Orange, California. They didn’t tell anybody but Don’s brother John and his wife, who came to be witnesses. After the vows, they all had banana splits at the local Baskin-Robbins store for the reception. It was Darlene’s first banana split.

Both Don and Carolyn shared a love of adventure, and spent a lot of time at the beach or in the mountains. Seldom could you find them at home on a weekend. For most of their lives together they didn’t own a TV. Didn’t have time to watch one.

In the evenings they decided to take up square dance lessons and they have continued this activity for all their married lives. Every time they moved to a new town they looked up the nearest square dance club. It’s like finding instant friends everywhere you go.

They lived in Woodland, California, from 1969 to 1971. Then they moved to Silver Springs, Nevada, and lived there from 1971 to 1972. After that company failed, they moved back to Santa Ana, California for one month, but they couldn’t stand being back in the city again.

Don quit work, loaded the car with food and camping gear, including a pup tent and double sleeping bag, and travelled for nearly a month across the country, sleeping in parks and campgrounds, checking in towns along the way for a job as a machinist.

Don found a power generation company in Colorado looking for a machinist, and after passing their tests, was hired and worked in the little town of Nucla, Colorado, for nine years, as a maintenance machinist in a coal fired generation plant.

During the time that they were traveling and camping out in their pup tent, Carolyn became pregnant  and nine months later they drove ninety miles over a 9,000 ft. mountain pass to the hospital in Montrose, Colorado, where their son Wesley was born. Since their insurance didn’t cover the childbirth, the doctor charged them $250 dollars cash for the delivery.

In 1981 it became apparent to Don that the old coal fired power plant was going to be shut down and so he started looking for work again. He found a brand new power plant being built near Winnemucca, Nevada, and after seeing his experience and skills, they hired him before the plant was finished. Don worked there from 1981 to 2006, retiring with a good pension.

They bought almost thirty acres of desert land when they moved to Winnemucca, and hoped to retire and live on the ranch until they died, but as they became older and more frail, it became harder and harder to live where the doctor was fifty five miles away, and the hospital was 180 miles away in Reno.

In 2016 they moved back to Durant, Oklahoma, where Carolyn was born and raised, where she still has family, and medical facilities are across the street, and just down the road.

They have no regrets about the TV programs they never watched. Life is good if you go out and live it!

We’ve been everywhere. Including Winnemucca:

Yosemite Nat'l Park - hiked to foot of Bridalveil and Yosemite Falls, and   

  tops of Vernal Falls and Nevada Falls.

Yellowstone Nat'l Park - watched Old Faithful erupt, and drove slowly through a bison herd.

Arches Nat'l Park - hiked to Delicate Arch, among others.

Canyonlands Nat'l Park - four wheel exploring Elephant Rock area.

Dead Horse Point Overlook - four wheel down Shafer Trail.

Grand Canyon Nat'l Park - both North and South Rim overlooks

Carlsbad Caverns Nat'l Park - hiked from entrance to bottom.

Four Corners Nat'l Monument - stood in four states at once.

Zion Nat'l Park - short hike to Great Throne Rock.

Great Basin Nat'l Park - toured Lehman Cave

Calaveras Big Trees Park - walked the trail through the Sequoias.

Alcatraz Island Nat'l Park - hiked all over the prison on guided tour.

Santa Catalina Island - rented tandem bicycle and rode every paved road.

The Golden Gate Bridge

The Space Needle - took elevator to the top.

The Gateway Arch in St. Louis

Little Big Horn Nat'l Battlefield - stayed for the ranger’s program on history.

Devil's Tower Nat'l Monument - listened to the history and geology by ranger.

Columbia River Gorge - viewed from Vista House.

Multnomah Falls - hiked to the top.

Bridalveil Falls in Telluride, CO - four wheeled down Black Bear Road to top.

Monument Valley - Flew through the spires in a small red Yankee airplane.

Mt. Rushmore Memorial - Hiked to viewing area.

Murrah Federal Building Memorial - shortly after. Need to return for museum.

Crazy Horse Memorial - spent time in visitors building and display.

Independence Hall - listened to reenactment of debates.

Liberty Bell

Disneyland, CA - many years ago. Not much original left, they say.

DisneyWorld, FL - loved the Epcot Center

Atlantic City casinos, which don't compare to

Las Vegas Strip

Las Vegas Fremont St.

Reno Virginia St.

Winchester Mystery House, Santa Clara, CA - 600+ weird haunted rooms. 

Olvera Plaza in downtown Los Angeles - lots of Mexican stuff to buy.

Old Pueblo in downtown Albuquerque - Navajo jewelry and great food.

The Boardwalk in Santa Cruz, CA - the wooden roller coaster is scary fun!

French Quarter in New Orleans - great shopping and Cajun food.

The Cadillac Ranch just west of Amarillo, TX. - turn the kids loose with the spray paint.

Not to be missed--The Big Peanut in downtown Durant, OK.

Black Tie Party

All day Thursday we were reminded of the exciting events planned for the evening. Lunch was a half an hour early. Dinner was an hour early. Extra time was needed for preparations for the party.

The event was called a “black tie” party. Kind of a late Valentine’s Day celebration. Residents and staff were encouraged to dress up for the shindig. 

People started drifting into the front lobby just after dinner, which was about 4:30. The party was scheduled for 6:00 PM, but we were sitting there an hour early in anticipation. 

I brought a long dress I found in the move from Nevada last year for Carolyn. I gave most of her square dance dresses away, but I later found this one in the back of the closet, so I just tossed it in with the rest of the stuff moving to Oklahoma. 

I tried it on her before dinner, and much to my surprise, it fit perfectly. Since she had no “pettipanties” (frilly underwear, usually in matching colors to the dress) I went to WalMart and bought a pair of black shorts to wear under the dress. Not that there was any danger of me twirling her fast enough to expose anything under that dress! 

The dress was a heavy full circle skirt attached to a shirred silky top, gathered in the front and zippered in the back. The skirt part was a shiny ecru base with dark black appliquéd fabric around the bottom, which looked like cording in a pleasing pattern. I hope to add pictures soon, as plenty were taken by others, both posed and candid shots. 

Carolyn is improving daily as her pelvis seems completely healed. I can lead her around by holding her hands, and her balance has improved to the point where I can walk her around in promenade position. For non dancers, that is where the couple walks side by side with hands held across in front, both walking forward. If she was to fall, I would not be able to catch her as easily, but I would swing her down to a gentle landing in front of me. I watch her closely, and she seems stable. 

She is still able to follow dance patterns, and that really helps when transferring her in and out of chairs. I can ask her to roll left or right to turn her, and she follows orders to side step left or right also.

I wore my dark gray pants and sport coat I bought at Burlington Coat Factory last year for my granddaughter Melissa’s wedding in Austin. I put a coat of black polish on my shoes, and put on the darkest tie I had (Navy blue print). The white shirt was a white western square dance shirt, but you couldn’t tell because the tie covered all the pearl snaps down the front.

They had a little problem getting the music to play. They were streaming music from the Internet, I think. After a half an hour, they got it playing music from the teens and twenties. 

One of the staff was trying to dance with a resident woman who knew how to do the Charleston. She is old enough that she might have done it when it was popular. It would have been difficult to do it right, since it was on carpet. Those dances were all crazy movement from the waist down—sliding, gyrating, kicking moves that looked like their legs were made from rubber. Not much arm movement until a decade later with the Jitterbug.

Small cups of wine and grape juice were served, with small pastries filled with cream and cold strawberries. The party went on for well past an hour. Headbands with feathers, masks on a stick and plastic fedora hats were passed out to everybody, and most people wore them and everybody laughed and talked and had a great time.

Except one. One of the older women had parked herself in the couch to sleep and took loud offense at her daughter trying to get her up to get dressed for the party. Two of her daughters came to the party, and I’m sure were disappointed that their mother was not in a partying frame of mind. But one of the things about dementia that you soon learn is to go with the flow. There is no use arguing with a person who is not able to reason. 

The party continued with her sleeping on the couch, with the throw pillows stacked around her to keep out the noise, I guess. She had fun in her own way, maybe. 

The lesson here can work out in the outside world, too. There is no use getting mad because somebody doesn’t do what you want them to. Imagine how much conflict could be avoided if everybody let other people do their own thing. No body trying to force their religion on other people, nobody trying to force their political views on others, each nation going its own way and not interfering in the nations around them. Wouldn’t that be a great world to live in?

“You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one!”