Love and Marriage

(continued from "Out of the Army...")

I started the conversation by asking what her plans were now. I reminded her I still had a girlfriend up north, and wasn’t really free to have another one. (I know that may sound strange to some, since many guys don’t seem to have a limit, but my ethics tell me one at a time.) She said she had a job at K-Mart stocking shelves, and she would be OK for awhile by herself. 

I explained that I was about six months from finishing my apprenticeship at Olympic Screw and Rivet Company and then I would probably call my girlfriend up north and try to talk her into moving down with me, as I would be able to afford a bigger apartment on my journeyman machinist's wages.

Eventually Carolyn asked if we could repeat the experience of that summer, and promised not to get too attached. Looking back now, I’m not sure what we expected, but were we young and naive, or what?

We headed for bed again, but this time she paid a lot more attention to my needs, which was a welcome surprise, because always before it was me trying to get my girl to let me do something for her. We both had a great evening, and then she went back to her house.

It was obvious that she had been studying up on all the variations of sex, and how to please your partner, and I was more impressed than I was willing to admit. For the first time I wasn't in charge of the entertainment, and I loved it!

I had a short discussion with my brother John, who shared the apartment with me, and told him I might have a visitor over now and then, and he promised to excuse himself for a couple of hours if necessary. I think he knew a lot more than I did about what was likely to happen. I seem to only pick up on subtlety if it is administered with a baseball bat. 

The next day Carolyn called and wondered if I would be interested in coming over to her house for dinner after work. I could see this might have some other ramifications, and I asked her if her husband had made it to Oklahoma, and was she sure he hadn’t changed his mind and turned back for California. Well, it seems he had just called her from Oklahoma, and she had told him to stay there and see about a divorce, because she was through with him. 

So I came over to her house for a great enchilada dinner with a tossed salad with avocados, and of course, I stayed the night. I was beginning to like this arrangement. So for the next week I came over every night, because she kept inviting me. One night her daughter Darlene embarrassed her mother by telling me she liked when I came over because the dinner was better than before, when they just heated up TV dinners.

I don’t know how many days it was before I realized I loved Carolyn, and didn’t want it to end. I’m sure it was way longer than than it should have been. When I finally told her one evening, “I think I love you!” she threw her arms around me and said, “I was hoping you would say that!” Then she backed up when she realized I had said the words “I think.” I guess she was afraid I might figure out how hard she had been chasing me. 

Yep, I had it figured out, and I liked it! She chased me until I caught her. Forever!

The next evening, November 18, 1968, I promised her my love for the rest of my life, if she would have me. She made the same promise to me, and we were both ecstatic. 

Having just gotten out of the Army, and left the church of my youth, I was in an anti-authoritarian mood, and really did not want the church or government telling me who I could love and live with. We never did get into the drug scene, but we had some hippie tendencies. I wanted a marriage based on love and trust, not some “ink stains that have dried up on some line.”

I called up my girlfriend in Merced, California, and told her that I was not her boyfriend anymore, and that I had found someone else and fallen in love with her. She was surprised, but didn’t seem as shocked as I expected. I think she had been growing out of our long relationship, also. She asked if she could still exchange letters with me now and then, and I told her that wouldn’t be fair for my lover, and that she was free to find a new boyfriend now. We split on fairly good terms, each of us having loved and learned with each other as we grew up to maturity.

I had a lot of education in a very short time on what it takes to make a marriage. Carolyn gently reminded me that the groceries were getting low since I was eating with them. I actually picked up the hint fairly fast, and I took one of my uncashed paychecks out of the drawer and we went to the grocery store. Nope, three can’t live as cheaply as one, or even two.

Soon thereafter we were pulled over on the 605 Freeway by a California Highway Patrol officer, because we had three people on my motorcycle— me sitting close to the tank, Carolyn in the back, with Darlene squeezed in between. He told us that was illegal and dangerous. and that Darlene had no foot pegs. I explained that we had just gotten married and we did not own a car. He said it was time to buy a car, and if he saw us on the road again, he would ticket us. So we went and bought a brand new red Toyota Corolla station wagon for two thousand bucks. Those were the days!

She had a big yard at her house, and the grass was growing high, so we went to the store and without asking her, I bought a riding lawn mower. She got furious with me, because I was still acting single, I guess. I did not see it, but my brother John was with us, and he saw her take off her old wedding band and throw it across the parking lot. He retrieved it, gave it to me, and told me she was really pissed! I’m still ashamed I had to be told!

After a lot of apologies and some loud discussion, it soon became plain that she wanted a wedding ring from me, even if we hadn’t gotten the license. I had been clueless because I was raised in a religion that did not believe in rings, or jewelry of any kind. We went out the next day and she got a beautiful ring set. Of course, every time I mowed the lawn I had pangs of guilt for being so dense.

I found that the very best part of a marital argument was making up afterward.

I took Carolyn over to meet my father, who lived in a large mobile home park a couple of miles away. He was very happy to meet my new wife, and he didn’t ask too many questions about the marriage ceremony. He knew me too well.

But he was anxious to tell me they were starting square dance lessons that week, and offered to pay if we would go with them. My father Vernon and his wife Ethel had been square dancers for many years, and it looked like fun. The lessons took place in the huge recreation hall in the middle of the park, and there were at least a hundred couples. We had a lot of fun, and soon became dedicated square dancers. Every time we move to a new town, we find out where the square dancers meet and join the club. It’s a great way to meet lots of new friends when you’re the new couple in town.

One day when we were shopping in Huntington Beach, we came across a square dance apparel shop with a beautiful orange dress that was in Carolyn’s size. It was a little expensive, so I told Carolyn that we would have to wait a month before we could afford it. This happened a couple of weeks before Christmas, so we were legitimately short on money. We left without the dress, but the next day after work I stopped at the store and bought the dress with a big crinoline slip to match. The lady in the store wrapped the whole thing in a huge paper bag so I could carry it home on my motorcycle. Take my word for it—it’s not easy to ride a motorcycle with your arms wrapped around big paper sack full of a dress and crinoline slip. I sneaked into the alley and hid it in the back of the garage for Christmas. 

Carolyn told me the next day she had driven by the shop and the dress was gone! She asked the nice lady where the dress was, and she told her someone had bought it the day before. I know she must have had trouble not smiling, because she knew who had bought it, of course. It made a wonderful present on Christmas Day.

 Our daughter Darlene was just as happy with her new bicycle, too. I had assembled it while she was in school, and I got a refrigerator box to put it in, all wrapped up in pretty paper and bows. It was bigger than she was, but when she tore open the end, she could ride it right out into the room.

I had a steep learning curve with our daughter Darlene as well. She was eight years old, worried about the huge changes in her life, and I was worried about all the negative connotations of being the “step-father.” There was also the cultural abyss between her warm Oklahoma family, which I had not experienced yet, and the stiff New England ways of my mother’s family. For years to come we gradually came to an understanding of how I could relate to her without causing fear or anger. We tried to encourage her to visit her Oklahoma father as often as she wanted, and tried to leave her with the knowledge that she had not lost anyone, but now had two families.

I don’t think we really became comfortable until Carolyn had our son Wesley four years later. Darlene asked if she could call me Dad instead of Don, since she knew her new brother would call me Dad. I tried to hold back tears as I told her that would make me very proud. “Of course you can call me Dad!”