Perceptions and Expectations

 Perceptions and Expectations

Oct 24, 2020

This week has been one of the most stressful in my life. Last weekend I spent many hours and drove many miles to help my daughter get a vital prescription she needs for bipolar disorder.

She was totally out, and sudden withdrawal could lead to psychosis, so our first stop was the ER, since I didn’t find out until after drugstores closed on Friday night. They gave her an immediate dose and a prescription for more in the following weekend. 

On Monday she filled her monthly prescription at the Choctaw Clinic here in Durant, OK. I thought we were done with the crisis for now. 

Then she called me to say her electric power was cut off due to non payment. She was out of money due to her trip last month take care of her father while she thought he was going to have a hospital stay due to a blood pressure spike. Yes, she has two fathers. More on that later.

Turns out the power bill was for two months plus restoration fees. Over $395. 

She can’t drive, due to her vision, and even though she passed the test for certification as a CNA, public transport is shut down due to COVID-19 and she obviously can’t afford to take a taxi every day to work.

So, after contemplating solutions to her problems making her tiny little monthly check stretch to cover her expenses, I finally came to the conclusion that living alone in an apartment in town is driving her crazy.

I have a guest bedroom and another bathroom in this house, and we started moving her into the other side of the house yesterday. 

The inevitable question is, “Why didn’t you do that sooner?”

That is where perceptions and expectations rear their ugly head.

I married Darlene’s mother Carolyn when Darlene was eight years old. So yeah, I’m her stepfather, with all the baggage that comes with that appellation. I have been made aware of the reputation that some stepfathers have created, and have gone out of my way all my life, all of the nearly fifty years I was married to Carolyn, to not even allow the appearance of impropriety to intrude on our relationship as daughter and dad. 

I am afraid that many times I held back from a hug that I now know she needed. 

And yet there are those who see evil where there is none, and spread suspicious rumors anyway.

I used to say I don’t care what other people think. That’s not entirely true.

I care when it causes trouble and pain to those I love and care about.

Part of the perception is that I am open about not believing in an external God up there somewhere keeping track of my sins. Allow me to explain.

I believe God is in me. If I am true to my God, I will have love for everyone, and do harm to no one. 

I like the words of the Gospel of Thomas verse 3, 

“If those who lead you say, “Look, the kingdom is in heaven,” then the birds of heaven will precede you. If they say, “It is in the sea,” then the fish will precede you. Rather, the kingdom is within you and outside you. When you know yourselves, you will be known, and you will know you are children of the living Father. But if you do not know yourselves, you live in poverty, and you yourselves are the poverty.”

Verse 113 says:

“His disciples said to him, “When will the kingdom come?”

He said, “It will not come when it is expected. They will not say, “Look here!” or Look there!” Rather the kingdom of the Father is spread out on the earth and people do not see it.”

That is not in the New Testament, but it should be. The Gospel of Thomas was written about the same time as Revelation, but when the Catholic Church chose which books would be included in the Bible around 400 A.D, they left this one out. The priests and bishops wanted you to depend on the church, not yourself, for salvation.

I have been practicing Buddhism since I was in Japan (Okinawa) in 1966. It is the study of finding the right path that leads away from pain and suffering and to peace and knowledge. I find immense comfort in knowing that it is all up to me to pick the right path. 

I don’t worry that someone up there in the sky is going to punish me for my sins. I don’t need to worry that the sheriff is going to haul me away to jail for anything I do. My only fear is that I will not live up to my own expectations of who I am.

So Darlene will be sharing this house with me from now on, it seems. It will save her a lot of rent on that lonely apartment in town, and the high utility bills there. She will also get free WiFi out here, such as it is. We may have to take turns online through that narrow satellite broadband.

I will save many gallons of gasoline every month I don’t have to drive into Durant and back. That’s fifteen miles round trip each time I do that. 

As she visits her sister and other dad in Texas, the trips will start in Mead, OK, which will save time and gas, also. 

Carolyn and I tried to tell Darlene that she was twice as lucky to have two sets of parents. She still is that lucky. 

She has two dads, and that won’t ever change.