Spousal Problems with Dementia

Spousal problems with dementia.

Today I went to visit Carolyn after missing three days being gone to Nevada to tie up the sale of the ranch. She smiled and hugged me, and then excused herself to use the bathroom. She was in there for at least ten minutes, so I went to the door and asked if she was OK. She said she was having trouble. I suspected as much and asked it I could come in and help. She said yes, please, so I opened the door and went in. 

She stood there with the waistband of the “adult diapers” wrapped around her pant legs and the wet bottom torn off and on the sink counter in pieces. She obviously had torn it off when she found it wet.

She did not object as I wiped her clean and scooped up the soggy remains and flushed them away, pulling the plastic part out and dropping it in the trash can.

Then she started to pull up her pants with the elastic waistband still around her knees.

“Hey! You can’t do that!” I smiled as I said it.

“If you wear the underwear on the outside, we’ll have to call them over wear!”

She giggled, and let me pull her pants off, pull on some dry under wear, “adult diapers”, and then put her pants back on.

For a while, she was too shy to let me in the room when she was undressed, acting like a shy teenager with a strange man in the house. She is past that now, and I am so grateful. I want to help her, and now she has become very willing for me to help her. 

Last week was much worse, as I found her locked in the bathroom. I asked if she was OK, and she said she was having trouble. I asked to help, and she said yes, but the door was locked. I told her to unlock the door, and she did.

I was hit with the strong odor, and as I scanned the situation it was obvious she had soiled her underwear earlier in the day and walked around and sat down with it in her underwear. It took about half an hour in the shower to get her clean, and rinse off her pant legs, socks and slippers. The “adult diapers” are only made for bladder incontinence and are totally inadequate for anything else. I think as she tried to remove her pants in the bathroom, stuff fell out of a leg opening and went down one pant leg. I’ll have to talk to the nurse about getting better underwear for incontinence.

Some people have expressed surprise that I would do this. I am baffled by that. When we had a baby boy decades ago, nobody expected us to hire somebody else to change the diapers. If you love a person, then you do what must be done to make them happy and content. 

Of course, I appreciate the help from the nurses and aides at Featherstone Assisted Living home for their around the clock help with taking care of Carolyn. I am not able to be there every minute of every day, and they are far more organized at making sure she takes her medications and eats at mealtime.

I don’t find much written advice for husbands dealing with wives descending into dementia. The problems are different than caring for parents or grandparents. Every day is a different problem to find a way to keep finding the “good times” and minimizing the bad ones.

She has gone through a stage recently of talking about babies in almost every discussion. Well, actually, she’s not through it yet—it is still a constant almost every day. I try to jolly her out of it by telling her we are too old for babies now. Babies are for young kids—not old codgers like us.

Now and then I wonder if some Freudian connections in her mind are really related to sexual needs, but I don’t know. I know the last time we tried that was a total freakout. Without going into details, I’ll just say it started out great, with loud appreciation and joy, but turned into terror when she forgot who I was halfway through and recoiled with shame that she was with a stranger. I’m loath to attempt any such activity again.

I am just feeling my way in the dark here. I know of no one going through the same experience as I am. So I write. I don’t know what else to do. I know I can’t just bottle up my thoughts and emotions. 

We will get through this, too. I just don’t know how yet!